Today I Quit My Job

Today I quit my job at _____.  _____ is a state-wide non-profit organization dedicated to providing transportation for transportation-disadvantaged Missourians so they can live more independently in their own communities.  Most of the work we do is for necessary medical appointments and essential shopping.

For the past eleven months, I have been the Regional Coordinator for the East Area at _____.  I have been given a wide variety of names: administrative assistant, assistant regional director, assistant to the regional director, assistant director, administrative assistant, Pam’s personal assistant, and (my favorite) Big Thinker.

Securing this job was a big move for me.  I finally got out of serving/bartending and moved into the corporate world.  I proved to myself that I could acquire and hold a white-collar job.  I was an artist!  An artist working in the world of computers and set schedules and fiscal reports and databases!  Look at me!  Look at me go!

And then one month ago, I realized that this was another in a long strong of sudden, whimsical embraces.

I have never been able to hold my attention on any one thing for long.  Today it is origami; tomorrow it is hiking; the next day I’m weaving baskets and eating Vegan.  Many see this as a flaw.  I do not.  I get to do what I want when I want.

There are only a few things I have been able to keep to for more than a few months: certain relationships, theatre, writing, human sexuality, and cooking.  These are the only things with permanence in my life, with certain relaitonships and theatre taking the biggest piece of the pie.

So just a month ago, I realized this entire job was an act.  I’m playing the part of an office worker.  I had fooled myself into thinking this was for me, that working in a white-walled, flourescent-lit office for 40 hours per week was for me.

Today I submitted my two weeks’ notice for resignation to my boss.  It was the most positive resignation a person could wish for: she offered to keep a temp in my position for six months in case I want to come back, and she offered to give me a very good recommendation for whatever I do.

This comes at a terrible time.  I’m moving into a new apartment in three days, and I have a few debts to pay off.

And I’m sitting here most afraid of what people will say: you need to grow up and take responsibility.  Right now, at the moment when your bills will increase, this is not the time to quit your job without another job lined up.  Are you planning on a miracle?

I am not a religious person.  I do not put my faith in a god or a cosmic spirit.  I don’t deny the possibility of any of these, and, at any given moment, i may even profess belief on one of them, but faith and belief are not the same.  I have faith in myself and those I love and admire most.

I have total faith in my ability to be a fucking adult and to do what I want.

I’m not a pity-party kind of guy.  I’m not accustomed to self-flagellation, and I am not given to periods of inaction.  I’ll survive.  I fancy myself an artistic entrepreneur.  Entrepreneurs are simply those who understand that there is little difference between obstacle and opportunity and are able to turn both to their advantage.

Today I quit my job.  And I feel great.